It’s the novel coronavirus in a landslide!

I want to thank Tom Alrich for inviting me to write a guest post today. He has asked me to do this a number of times before, but I’ve been a little shy and actually quite busy – what can I say? Business is good! But he emailed to congratulate me on my astounding win in the US presidential election, and when he asked me to write a post again, I had to say yes.

I have to admit I’m very happy with the way the US election has turned out for me. I know that as of today the human who “won” isn’t known, but I can assure you that I’m the big winner – and I’ll be a big winner no matter which human is ultimately declared the victor.

Of course, this isn’t to say I don’t have my preferences for the winner. I have strongly favored Donald Trump all along. After all, Trump is the one American who has promoted my interests more than anyone else; I’m certainly not going to turn my back on him now. He has been my strongest advocate. The only problem I have with him is that back in April he lost his nerve for about a month and let my enemies impose lockdowns on a large part of the US (although fortunately not all of it!).

This stopped the momentum I had for a few months, until I figured out how to come back stronger than ever in the summer. But if he hadn’t lost his nerve in April, and if the rate at which I was killing people had continued to grow at close to 100% a day, I would have killed the entire US population by early May. So I did suffer a big setback, but the upside was that afterwards Trump and his many enablers in the media were able to give me at least a moral victory, when they convinced a large part of the population that the shutdowns had all been a serious mistake (in fact, my good friends at the Wall Street Journal later pointed out in an editorial that the shutdown of New York wasn’t in fact needed because the hospitals never became as overcrowded as was predicted. Bless their hearts, they never mentioned that the hospitals didn’t become so overcrowded because of the shutdowns! And like Mr. Trump, neither they nor other media like Fox News have ever admitted they were wrong about any of this. Way to go, guys! Keep up the great work!).

To continue my story, I did come back strongly in the summer, although once again there were some sporadic attempts to restrain me. For example, Arizona really did restrain me when they finally allowed localities to take the measures they needed to take. Fortunately, other states like Texas and my great friends in Florida - that Ron DeSantis, what a guy! – waited much longer to do that, despite rapidly climbing cases and deaths.

But I must say, I’ve never been more heartened than by the third wave you all are in now. I just love the way that after the summer wave the federal government, and many state governments, not only didn’t try to hold me back, but actually did their best to make sure I grew as rapidly as possible. Once again, Trump came to my rescue by directly contradicting the messages that parts of his administration were trying to put out, and deliberately flouting their guidance by holding large maskless rallies all over the country. One estimate was that at least 700 deaths were caused by these rallies. Thanks a lot, Don! I couldn’t have done it without you.

But I just want to say I reserve a special place in my heart for Kristi Noem, the governor of South Dakota. She wasn’t deterred when test positive rates started skyrocketing, and now SD’s rate is over 50 percent (vs. 1.6% in New York. Don’t even get me started on those clowns…)! Even North Dakota is “only” at 13.5%. I’m simply overwhelmed when I think of the great support she’s given me, to this day preventing even the simplest protective measures - but especially by letting the Sturgis Rally proceed in August and accelerate my growth in the whole country. I have to admit, I wouldn’t be anywhere near where I am today if not for her.

So I love Trump and his friends. Obviously, Biden isn’t going to promote me like Trump has done, and he will definitely set a very different tone in his administration. I’ll admit that this will probably set me back a lot. So, you might well ask, why do I say I’ll win even if Biden wins? Because he won’t be president until January 20. I’ll have more than two months to run freely through the country, at a time when most of the country will be indoors most of the time and will be holding holiday gatherings with people from across the country.

Of course, that weasel Dr. Fauci has warned against holiday gatherings, but Trump says he’ll muzzle him after the election (he can’t fire him directly without first firing his boss. Even Trump knows that the Saturday Night Massacre didn’t work out too well for Nixon) and I have no reason not to believe him. Meanwhile new cases just crossed above 104,000 a day on Wednesday. Did they drop the next day? No, they hit 117,000! (remember when there was a lot of agony when they crossed the 50,000 threshold in August? Now there’s hardly been a word about that, although admittedly there’s been a lot of attention to the election).

If cases keep growing at that rate and perhaps reach 150,000 or even 200,000 a day, I’ll be living really higher! The Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation has said I’ll kill 400,000 people by March and believe me – I think I’m well on the way to achieving that goal. So even though Biden will do his best to restrain me when he comes into office, I’ll be so far ahead of him that it will be months before he can even begin to slow me down.

I want to wish all of Tom’s readers the happiest of holidays. And remember – be sure to invite all of your relatives, friends, people off the street, whatever…to your celebrations. Be sure to pack them into small rooms, and whatever you do, don’t wear masks! But the best thing is you won’t have to invite me to your celebrations. I’ll be there! Wouldn’t miss this for the world.

Sincerely,

N. Coronavirus

I would love to hear any comments or questions you have on this post. Drop me an email at tom@tomalrich.com.